ides of march

i didn't even notice. it's monday, the first day of the week, the first day of the month.

it's the day after the lord of the rings swept 11 of 11 academy awards. amazing. for the first time, i was 4 on 4 on the acting categories. part of me wanted johnny depp to win but sean penn was the better actor this time. he should have won for dead man walking, and again for i am sam. anyway.

i'm rambling again. incoherent thoughts.

my friends and i watched the passion of the christ last friday night. screenings have been sold out since it opened last ash wednesday. it's a very, very, very good movie. not for the faint-hearted though. i was sobbing in some of the scenes.

i wanted to bawl. the graphic scenes were indeed, very graphic but i think they were very essential to the movie. it was as if mel gibson wanted to get a message across, and he did, very effectively.

i dunno if the movie affected my being religious. maybe. given the chance, i'd watch it again.

saturday. i just stayed at home. just like any other weekend. watched bowling for columbine on showtime in the morning. cried again. what's with me and movies lately? my tear ducts are drying up. maybe, that's what i needed. a good cry. everyone needs it, i guess. as much as we need a good laugh.

i had a weird dream. it involves a wedding, a limousine and people falling off that limousine while it was moving. i know one person who fell off. i was just looking at it while the killer limousine just spewed people as it sped off. sigh.

i dunno what that means.

sunday. oscar day. went to costco to pick up photos. these were from 3 disposable cameras from more than a year ago. i didn't want to have them developed since the memories from those photos were, well, devastating. to my heart, at least. i mustered enough guts last week to have them developed. and yesterday, i mustered enough guts, too, to pick them up.

i reacted in a way that would have bothered me if i were me a few years ago. did that make sense? anyway, i thought i'd react in a much more dramatic way but i did not. did i want to react in a much more dramatic way? maybe.

i opened the packaging slowly and looked at every single picture. the setting then was cold, it was the height of winter. snow was all over the place. we were bundled up in layers of clothing. there was one picture that caught me, and i gave it a long, hard look. it was cold, and i was feeling it.

funny how we create things in our minds, or re-create things as they happened. photos preserve memories. as i looked at the photos, it seems that i was transported back in time, to a place thousands of miles away. no matter how good we are at stamping a certain moment in our brains, hoping that they would stay there forever, we can only do as much.

i looked at the photos one last time before i went to sleep, and wished that somehow, some other thing happened.